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Posted by on Jul 6, 2015 in Articles, Inspirational | 26 comments

Looking for love at the end of a candle

Looking for love at the end of a candle

I’m still half sleeping and I extend my arm to touch you. But I can’t find you in my bed. I wake up and you are not here.

Your smile, your blue eyes…. Your presence is gone. Your smell doesn’t impregnate the air, your voice is not waking me up in the morning anymore.

You’re gone. You’re definitely gone.

I turn around and look out of the window. The sun is still shining. The birds are still singing. The butterflies dance their way around the pink and orange flowers right outside my window…They didn’t seem to notice you’re gone. But I do.

I wonder: “If I would have tried harder”, “If I only had compromised more”…. “Did I do the right thing by letting you go?”, “Oh my God, what did I do?? I want you back!” All I want is to have you back. But you’re gone.

Your absence feels like an amputation. A pain, an emptiness no words can express.


How do you mend a broken heart?


My mornings are spent looking out of the window. Looking at the horizon while life passes before my eyes. The world goes on and the Universe keeps moving as if nothing ever changed. But it did.

We were like two shooting stars that collided one day, when we least expected. Our worlds melted together and we became one, for the good and for the bad, for the fun and for the hard times, for the endless adventures and for the dull moments. We were one.

It’s funny how they don’t tell us that we might never win the “Happy ever after” prize in the lottery of life.


How do you mend a broken heart?   Broken heart pictures


People stumble upon each other for a given time, to learn and grow from each other. To teach each other lessons of love, patience, compromise, selflessness and once the lesson was learned, they part.

And what’s wrong with that, if we think a bigger lesson might lie ahead of us, filled with blessings, new challenges and new adventures?

Why is it, that attachment prevents us from seeing beyond our egos who are not satisfied with the outcomes of life? And I know we’re not in this world to have control over everything that happens in our lives, rather than learning a spiritual lesson every time life slaps us in the face with the unexpected.


How do you mend a broken heart?   Broken heart pictures


So why do I still crave for you? Why do I hold to your memory, like a scared child holds to his mother’s skirt?

Why do I keep on closing my heart to the Universe, insisting you are the only one that will ever fit me like a glove? And did you really fit me like a glove?

How do our perceptions get distorted when we lose control of things and people we love?! A sign that the pain of the loss has shadowed the trust in the perfection of life and the wisdom of the universe.

Why do our minds refuse to accept the end of a chapter with the joy and happiness of knowing a new one is about to come?


How do you mend a broken heart?  Broken heart pictures


Why do I insist in forgetting all the disagreements, the incompatibilities, the little fights, your lack of commitment?

Why do I keep on remembering only the wild adventures we had across Europe by train? Why do I keep on remembering only the moments we laughed hysterically for hours? Why do I only remember how comforting it was to hold you tight at night while watching movies in bed?

Why do I choose to ignore the times you left me alone when I needed you most? Why do I choose to forget your constant lack of affection when I needed a hug? Why do I choose to forget the lack of commitment, loyalty? The email that never arrived when I missed you? The phone call you never made when I just wanted to hear you voice? The times you left me alone on my birthday, knowing how important a small gesture meant to me?


How do you mend a broken heart? Broken heart pictures


It seems to me that the less you gave me, the more I saw myself clinging to you. The more you starved me of affection, the more I hoped for you to reassure me that you loved me too.

Why do I refuse to make peace with the fact, that deep inside I always knew you were not meant for me? That I deserved more?

Maybe because the people who teach us the greatest lessons in life are the ones who really push our buttons. Maybe because deep inside we all want to be loved by the person we’re in love with. Maybe because, as Buddha said: “the root of all suffering relies in attachment” which blinds us to the fact that love is everywhere, at every flower, at every friendship, at every ray of light.


How do you mend a broken heart? Broken heart pictures


Maybe because we’re used to believe we need someone to compliment ourselves. That our happiness and fulfillment relies on others. Maybe because many of us fail to realize that everything we need is already within ourselves. But I know all that. And I swear by that with my constant solo travels in search for my true self, my own self growth, my emotional independence. Did I forget to put it in practice?

So why do I still reach for you every day? Why do I carry you in my heart everywhere I go?

Searching for validity and reassurance on someone else, is the shortest way to disappointment and, frustration.

Fighting what is, is like swimming against the currents, a hopeless battle we’re set to lose. Just surrender. Surrender to what is, accept bigger and better things are about to come your way and let the healing process begin.

It’s time for regeneration. It’s time for new beginnings. The sun is shining and the world awaits… Just want you to know, the door will never be closed for you. In the mean time, I’ll go on with my forever travel.





    • Thank you :) It was definitely the most personal post I ever wrote….

  1. Here’s to tons of healing! As somebody who’s been through a painful separation, every word you wrote was painfully familiar. The cliches are all true – take time for yourself, indulge in your sorrow, and your amazing self will heal. Take care lady!

    • Thank you so much for your words Sheena, I really hope time will heal every wound. Right now it only hurts.

  2. Hi Yara,
    Wow, thank you for being brave enough to share such a personal experience with us. I’m sure that your words will be comforting to many people going through the same thing. Hang in there! Just be the beautiful you that you are, and one day you will attract someone just as beautiful. Someone deserving of your love.

    • Thank you Wendy. I’m trying really hard to find a place of peace and warmth within my heart, but deep inside all I wish is that I could wake up in the morning and see it was just a bad dream and nothing has changed…. but it did.

  3. what can I tell you, you made me cry. been through smth like that and kinda preparing myself to go through it again. the best advice I can share is to give time the time, if you know what I mean. I try to be positive and thankful that at least I had that connection that I feel not many people ever experience cause they settle for less, just seattle down in general. life has its funny ways testing us for sure…btw love that you were so vunarble to all of us, takes some balls so high five to you girl !

    love peace and pancakes from Croatia

    • Sorry to hear you’ve been through it and getting ready to go through it one more time. I had never experienced anything similar, but it’s probably the toughest experiences I ever had to go through. As you say, time heals. I think I was truly blessed to once have found a person I shared basically half of my life with. A magnificent person. I’m pretty sure the future is holding something amazing for both of us :) Much love for you girl!

  4. When one door closes you will find a new path in live. Asia will help you heal, I am sure.

    • I can’t wait to get into that airplane! I really need to be in a neutral environment, get distracted a bit :)

  5. Hugs! I’ve been in the same situation before, took me years to get over it, but I did… I feel every word you’re saying… Just hang in there, everything will be alright in due time. Keep on being positive and allow yourself to grieve… It is part of the healing process. Someday you will smile again and when you look back, you will realise that it is all for the best. Enjoy life, you are beautiful… You deserve better… Have a great time in Asia.


    from Manila Philippines

    • Sorry to hear you’ve gone through the same Fei :( Yes, it is really hard and painful. People keep telling me it will get better, lets see :)

      • It will.. at the right time… just keep on believing.. you’ll meet the right one for you… just met mine a year ago after 7 years of being alone.. have faith! welcome to manila! :)

  6. Wow Yara, you have no idea how do I also feel your pain. This is exactly how I feel after my ex broked up with me. Might be a travelers thing to be emotionally unavailable and not trully commiting? I can tell you the only way to heal is to keep going and note all the value and blessings you already have. It will come someone who deserves to share with you at the right time. Tasty food in Asia will definitely help you!

    • Tasty food always helps and so do the incredible people who cross our path when we travel, who fill our lives with their stories and tales :)

  7. Wow, what an honest post. Being heartbroken sucks. Been there. I started traveling back in 2008 because I was heartbroken and I this 14 months trip turned out to be the best time of my life. I’m happy you’re going to the Philippines. I wish you amazing and happy experiences and loads of interesting encounters. Happy travels!

    • Heart breaks suck, but losing the person you were 100% sure was your partner for life, is a killer one…. I hoe the Philippines treat me well.

  8. Yara, this is so beautifully written.

    You encapsulate your emotions on the page amazingly. Most of us have suffered a broken heart at some point so we can truly connect with your words and understand your sentiment.

    Yes, love can be blind. Your piece here shows how you at times were blind to your ex’s failings but now the realisation has come through. All partnerships have their failings and problems. Clearly you were more willing to tolerate and try to overcome them than he was.

    I’m thinking of you and wishing you some happiness. I’m sure the next big emotional adventure will be an unexpected surprise and I hope leads to that happy ending.


    • Hi Guy, that you so much for your words. Yes, we can only bend to a certain point… after that the branch breaks.

      I’m the opposite of most people, I’m fully aware all relationships have ups and downs, bad days, troubles, fights and tons of disagreements. And you know what? That is NORMAL! People break up for the smallest things in the world sometimes. I believe relationships make us grow, push our buttons, are a true lesson, for the good and for the bad.

      But sometimes, the are one or two things that become the deal breaker and impossible to pretend they’re not. In my case, i couldn’t daydream any longer our only big disagreement would ever be solved :(

      I’m glad you liked the post :)

  9. I have stumbled upon your blog this morning and perused it in its entirety before ending up at this post. From what I can see/read, you are an incredible woman with the entire world at your fingertips. I know words mean nothing to a broken heart- I am still nursing mine back from my last as well- but it does get better and time reveals new adventures and new people to us. You are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing such a personal post! Love and hugs to you from LA :)

    • Thank you so much for your words Heather, really appreciate it! Sorry to hear you’re also going through this. Hopefully the sun will shine brighter once the storm passes.

      A warm hug from sunny Portugal!

  10. I found your blog thanks to my friend’s Veronika’s post on FB. This post almost made me cry. Just a few months ago I felt the same. I had in my head very similar thoughts you have. Me and my partner broke up after 7 years and many travels around Europe, New Zealand, South-east Asia. When trying to solve our crisis (mostly caused by me) I even walked 900 km on foot through Spain to decide I really love him and I want to save our relationship, but when I got back home, he already had another girlfriend.
    It gets better very slowly. People say “it will be ok” and “time will heal it” while one wants to cry and shout “but you don’t understand”. Because it seems noone can see how much you really loved him.
    The good thing about it is… it actually does get better. And… you probably know this Dalailama quote:
    “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

  11. Beautiful piece of writing straight from the heart. Men or women, both go through such experiences. I could so much relate to all the feelings of ups and downs. Sending healing from India :)

  12. Great read. Yes the root of suffering lies in attachment as Sidharta said. Yes everyone teaches us a lesson. Yes, naturally, we suffer when we have a ‘broken’ heart, however it is not the suffering that is the problem, the problem is how we deal with the consequences, what we learn from it, and how we continue

  13. Thank you Yara for sharing your experience. Your story is so eloquently written. I cried for my heart aches as does yours. I feel I will never trust or love again. I force myself to get out of bed and face the day everyday. It’s so difficult to move on. It helps knowing that they’re many, like you, who are enduring the same heartbreak. Thank you again.


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