Looking for love at the end of a candle
I’m still half sleeping and I extend my arm to touch you. But I can’t find you in my bed. I wake up and you are not here.
Your smile, your blue eyes…. Your presence is gone. Your smell doesn’t impregnate the air, your voice is not waking me up in the morning anymore.
You’re gone. You’re definitely gone.
I turn around and look out of the window. The sun is still shining. The birds are still singing. The butterflies dance their way around the pink and orange flowers right outside my window…They didn’t seem to notice you’re gone. But I do.
I wonder: “If I would have tried harder”, “If I only had compromised more”…. “Did I do the right thing by letting you go?”, “Oh my God, what did I do?? I want you back!” All I want is to have you back. But you’re gone.
Your absence feels like an amputation. A pain, an emptiness no words can express.
My mornings are spent looking out of the window. Looking at the horizon while life passes before my eyes. The world goes on and the Universe keeps moving as if nothing ever changed. But it did.
We were like two shooting stars that collided one day, when we least expected. Our worlds melted together and we became one, for the good and for the bad, for the fun and for the hard times, for the endless adventures and for the dull moments. We were one.
It’s funny how they don’t tell us that we might never win the “Happy ever after” prize in the lottery of life.
People stumble upon each other for a given time, to learn and grow from each other. To teach each other lessons of love, patience, compromise, selflessness and once the lesson was learned, they part.
And what’s wrong with that, if we think a bigger lesson might lie ahead of us, filled with blessings, new challenges and new adventures?
Why is it, that attachment prevents us from seeing beyond our egos who are not satisfied with the outcomes of life? And I know we’re not in this world to have control over everything that happens in our lives, rather than learning a spiritual lesson every time life slaps us in the face with the unexpected.
So why do I still crave for you? Why do I hold to your memory, like a scared child holds to his mother’s skirt?
Why do I keep on closing my heart to the Universe, insisting you are the only one that will ever fit me like a glove? And did you really fit me like a glove?
How do our perceptions get distorted when we lose control of things and people we love?! A sign that the pain of the loss has shadowed the trust in the perfection of life and the wisdom of the universe.
Why do our minds refuse to accept the end of a chapter with the joy and happiness of knowing a new one is about to come?
Why do I insist in forgetting all the disagreements, the incompatibilities, the little fights, your lack of commitment?
Why do I keep on remembering only the wild adventures we had across Europe by train? Why do I keep on remembering only the moments we laughed hysterically for hours? Why do I only remember how comforting it was to hold you tight at night while watching movies in bed?
Why do I choose to ignore the times you left me alone when I needed you most? Why do I choose to forget your constant lack of affection when I needed a hug? Why do I choose to forget the lack of commitment, loyalty? The email that never arrived when I missed you? The phone call you never made when I just wanted to hear you voice? The times you left me alone on my birthday, knowing how important a small gesture meant to me?
It seems to me that the less you gave me, the more I saw myself clinging to you. The more you starved me of affection, the more I hoped for you to reassure me that you loved me too.
Why do I refuse to make peace with the fact, that deep inside I always knew you were not meant for me? That I deserved more?
Maybe because the people who teach us the greatest lessons in life are the ones who really push our buttons. Maybe because deep inside we all want to be loved by the person we’re in love with. Maybe because, as Buddha said: “the root of all suffering relies in attachment” which blinds us to the fact that love is everywhere, at every flower, at every friendship, at every ray of light.
Maybe because we’re used to believe we need someone to compliment ourselves. That our happiness and fulfillment relies on others. Maybe because many of us fail to realize that everything we need is already within ourselves. But I know all that. And I swear by that with my constant solo travels in search for my true self, my own self growth, my emotional independence. Did I forget to put it in practice?
So why do I still reach for you every day? Why do I carry you in my heart everywhere I go?
Searching for validity and reassurance on someone else, is the shortest way to disappointment and, frustration.
Fighting what is, is like swimming against the currents, a hopeless battle we’re set to lose. Just surrender. Surrender to what is, accept bigger and better things are about to come your way and let the healing process begin.
It’s time for regeneration. It’s time for new beginnings. The sun is shining and the world awaits… Just want you to know, the door will never be closed for you. In the mean time, I’ll go on with my forever travel.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH AN EXTREMELY PAINFUL SEPARATION? LEAVE YOUR ADVISES ON THE COMMENT SECTION BELLOW